In these days of constantly aware that the path I have taken no longer reversible. I wanted this at all?
No not really! at least not aware of the direction of the path comes out from inside me.
But is the awareness that the road only goes forward, I even large
fear and uncertainty.
fear whether the decisions and the next steps are to get the right ones.
fear, because then the separation from the family a virtually foregone conclusion and in everyday life is still hope in mind is that perhaps but one possibility is the past life together continue to lead but just a little "different". Whereby the "other" only on my appearance and related affairs, strangely, the interior for my family to be positive, but the exterior is the environment of the family did not accept it .. This fact alone makes me go crazy ...
uncertainty if I really with all the consequences of separation, with all the obstacles lying in front of me .. would really get along.
All in all, the fear and insecurity is a constant companion of my life be. I would pursue the alternative path and I only live just now and then, this would mean that I am to some extent again in a "Soul prison" issued. This I've lived for decades now.
Certainly my soul would slip back into the completely dissatisfied state, maybe my immediate environment would then be happy again. But what about me?
hisheriger My whole journey was marked by "slander, hide, give up and revive. Each new "revival" was more violent, until it was no longer and a small internal bomb exploded in me. If this happens one is suddenly ready for anything, the main cause of pain goes away. It's a strange feeling terrible and yet liberating at the same.
the moment any external change is hardly bearable, although it still leaves my "affairs" there, the external representation of me for me is important, because only then will I, I am. In between, I feel funny now more than before. The "Outer" liberates the soul or blocking them at times.
I often have the Diskusson that this would amount to nothing, the exterior, where it is internally aware of what and who you are ... and will not be! This is an important point, because I would want to be a woman, yes I could live only now and then. However, when I realize 'm in my soul that I am a woman, this act of continual change of outward appearances is more difficult to bear for me.
Alsoooo .. a "no way of return?" ....
Actually I know the answer to my own question already.
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