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No way of?

In these days of constantly aware that the path I have taken no longer reversible. I wanted this at all?
No not really! at least not aware of the direction of the path comes out from inside me.
But is the awareness that the road only goes forward, I even large

fear and uncertainty.

fear whether the decisions and the next steps are to get the right ones.

fear, because then the separation from the family a virtually foregone conclusion and in everyday life is still hope in mind is that perhaps but one possibility is the past life together continue to lead but just a little "different". Whereby the "other" only on my appearance and related affairs, strangely, the interior for my family to be positive, but the exterior is the
environment of the family did not accept it .. This fact alone makes me go crazy ...

uncertainty if I really with all the consequences of separation, with all the obstacles lying in front of me .. would really get along.

All in all, the fear and insecurity is a constant companion of my life be. I would pursue the alternative path and I only live just now and then, this would mean that I am to some extent again in a "Soul prison" issued. This I've lived for decades now.

Certainly my soul would slip back into the completely dissatisfied state, maybe my immediate environment would then be happy again. But what about me?
hisheriger My whole journey was marked by "slander, hide, give up and revive. Each new "revival" was more violent, until it was no longer and a small internal bomb exploded in me. If this happens one is suddenly ready for anything, the main cause of pain goes away. It's a strange feeling terrible and yet liberating at the same.

the moment any external change is hardly bearable, although it still leaves my "affairs" there, the external representation of me for me is important, because only then will I, I am. In between, I feel funny now more than before. The "Outer" liberates the soul or blocking them at times.
I often have the Diskusson that this would amount to nothing, the exterior, where it is internally aware of what and who you are ... and will not be! This is an important point, because I would want to be a woman, yes I could live only now and then. However, when I realize 'm in my soul that I am a woman, this act of continual change of outward appearances is more difficult to bear for me.

Alsoooo .. a "no way of return?" ....

Actually I know the answer to my own question already.

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successes


success! are there to also be called, I want to describe even a blog describing the increasing problems. The following points are sometimes put me on my way quite a bit further and also made very happy. Hormone


: according to my endo I'm set optimally, "it's better not," said She had called when I got my values and the blood level of hormones ... And yet it is not my fast enough. I feel satisfaction, keeps the initial tiredness and fatigue produced, due to the Androcur (Testo-blockers) can be under, say my body adapts to it. The chest is now grown by 2.5 cm, shoulders, arms, hands and fingers and upper arm muscles and the lateral muscles (Lattisimus) have receded. Some acquaintances say that the facial features have become softer. The key legs is a bit "delicate" become all that I remember the clothes I buy ... I am quite at a Small number at the top of .. finally at 40 and not 42 .... For me, a totally satisfactory result.

The price of history, physical performance has declined for about 50-60% .. but that's ok for me ...

Epi: today I have had a further 257 to make an end of hair, violins with relaxing music has made my beautician Ingrid again all the work. I hope that this time the healing is better than last time because I have fought four days really ...
The Epi to me is the most important part of my path right now, because without the annoying beard shadow of the famous life experience already liese rather deal with.

life experience? now before the legislature sees sometimes that the "patient" demonstrably alive for a defined time in all social contexts than his desired / felt before sex and handled everyday.

Sounds so simple, just my opinion, this should be done only when the so-called Passing fit then at least to 90%. Otherwise it is in the "social environment" to irritation, as if a man stands in women's clothes, it seems grotesque and the other actors in the respective environments feel overwhelmed.

The Passing is a mix of facial expressions, voice, behavior and appearance Desiring sex, in other words, how come "I" over.
Many of us are transsexuals clear that we will never truly biological woman, because a trace of a born sex is just always remain, that we must be clear.
But 90% I think quite a thing about it is not grotesque acts and any person with the "well" feels natural.

I'm feeling quite well and also, of course, only just the thing prevented his beard me to step to the real life experience to implement, because I still need just a lot of make-up and that has then just to put on, so the urgent story of Eppilation .... said is slow ...

The hormones may bear this in that the beard does not grow as strong and fast but it is growing still holding ....

Outing : the sharing of one's own situation is a soul liberation in any way with any "outing" think of another soul stress on you, because once outed can I just so giving as I really am and I have to not block itself to the environment and the expectation of justice to.

The best outings this week I had one for a very good friend and colleague who I know for a long time, has also dealt with my own way, he wished that he get to know me as Sally. We know now more than 18 years, it was for me a moving and exciting situation, I am also open as I? I will block in my passing? shot down the idea through my head. But the colleague has welcomed me so warmly and so of course deal with me that for both of us a beautiful and interesting and fun evening was. I felt very comfortable and was taken seriously. The confession regarding his surprise, my natural ... I was really confirmed and just got ....

The other outing was another colleague, the very close to my heart. Somehow I have a natural I felt your desire to come out and I have done right. As far as openness and understanding are rarely brought against me.

Why I oute me? , it is important that you have in the immediate environment of the people to stand, that one, here are the problems that brings with it such a path can be exchanged. As I said feel naturally this respect towards women better, because somehow I feel that I make a connection with men do not have so.

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Twilight


have far too long, I again waited until I here bring about another entry.
is probably why the blog is not quite as chronological turn out as I had originally planned.

it has been since the last blog entry once again done a lot on my way. Some
stabilized, such as the case with my Endrokinologin. There is always an organizational effort in the middle of the week from my home where Sally-I have found my second home (of which I tell, but some other time), follow to to Reutlingen to my Endo. After all, this is an hour drive and the appropriate lead time to "judge".
Thus have I agreed with her that I need to call your and the prescription for the hormones will be sent to me.

Not so, however, the monthly visit to my accompanying psychotherapists. Why accompanying? Now our dear legislators rightly requires that a cash-approved psychotherapist wearing a medical degree the way to the "girl". It decides whether hormones and other support to be paid by the fund to be allocated. Otherwise it is a meeting rather a "stopping by" a Examine how to develop so and a little chat, a few concerns to be discussed ... All in all, sorry for the session 30 minutes and has no therapeutic background, but now that I may also visit an hour there also He is based in Reutlingen ... But I lack a

Psychotherapeuthin which accompanies me and helping me all this process. Many friends and friends help me with this, our flat where I am as Sally is at home at the same time as it were, a therapy center, for my two roommates to share the same fate as I and yet each of us stand and their different experiences. But a professional therapist is something else again.

Why a therapist and not a therapist? now I have consulted more than 10 months, a treatment that I have personally paid behind me. And I've found that I am a woman can open a lot more and easier than a man's is sometimes combined with the fact that there are at such meetings and intimate issues on the table and seeing a woman a very different understanding as a man and inquiring also different.

As just a free psychologist is helpful but, after all, I have an 8-page report, but unfortunately we this just not officially by the funds accepted, unless I only ride me, I now am in search of a new therapist make.

The experiences on this quest often beyond your understanding, and my frustration again, I have now rejected three times because I'm too old!. Four times the capacity of the practice was already full, eight times I was not called back even though I always speak good on the answering machine.

A request from the health insurance seems to me as if I file a complaint with a communications provider ...

I Had a really "serious" problem, such as cancer or a tumor, I would get without great hesitation using the cash ...

is also interesting to understand the universality of the immediate environment in this regard. I have discussed this evening with my wife, when asked when I tell which of the family, from the relationship. Again, we both had to realize that a life-threatening disease, the 100% understanding of all parties causes and probably puts in a great sympathy with them. What indeed is a good thing ....
Only ... I have with my assessment of my life for me for me in a satisfied state and a very lucky for me state can bring. It is not life-threatening ... and therefore it is incomprehensible to all??

Perhaps some readers just think about it. I admit it is a complex subject, and bordered by a thousand clichés peppered ...... "Look .. ne Transe with blond hair and red shoes" ..... "Look at the bitter woman is determined Modded ne ..."
All those sayings I had in my immediate circle of friends and family the last few weeks without me listening to me and my situation has drawn attention ....

I come to my real steps in a "Twilight Zone" .. I want to live for me and happy and in line I can only live as a woman, I must slander me but that the environment and the public does not deal with the issue has to ...
happy and unhappy at the same time ..... my condition is often, but I notice that with the passage of time and with the personal experience of the ICH's what I had to press more and more as long as there is inner conflict in me ..

I could be here forever continue the story and the facts and thoughts, but I'll leave it at, for even when writing these lines is to come back a little bit of soul-blues up in me and I but also in the past weeks could well enjoy success, I would also enjoy these few.

So now I have a lot of written perhaps you understand my point a little Twilight.
In this intermediate stage where I am located it is often ambiguous, all the matter with my family.

for me is the way I would commit the obvious, the more it hurts when the pathways are separated at some stage, one more than 29 years is gone together.